In His Time.

In the spirit of vulnerability, this last month has been incredibly difficult. Blake and I entered into a trial that we never even saw coming. It hit us like a brick wall that we were not prepared for in the slightest.

We were confused and I think underneath, we both were asking “why?” Why something like this so soon, especially when we’re so close to paying off so many debts? It was during this questioning and searching that we dug up some dreams that have been close to our hearts, that we had never acted on or even really spoke about. For me, it was that I know my true calling is with people society deems as “broken” or “unworthy” such as abuse victims, orphans, widows, and the poor. At first, I thought that my calling was to open up a safe home for trafficking victims. But that’s just the broad dream. Not the real heart-dream, or the complicated and scary dream (FYI, I do want to open a safe home eventually, but the more detailed calling is much, much bigger than that).

Despite the stress of the last month, our marriage has been strengthened and that strengthening centers around one crazy idea and calling that we’ve begun to pray about and explore.

See, since I was in middle school, I’ve always felt this tug to go to Kenya. Not necessarily to live there, but to go and serve. I haven’t really spoken about it much in the years since, because I thought it was just my own selfish dream, not a plan of God’s. I hadn’t even really brought up the strength of this tugging to my husband. Until 2 weeks ago.

2 weeks ago, I just needed some happiness, and so I did what any baby obsessing, adoption loving girl does. I started looking at adoption videos. I got stuck on this one video of a couple who had a heart for the nations. They decided one day, that they were tired of the materialistic culture that surrounded them on a daily basis. They wanted more. So within 7 months, they had sold everything they needed to, gotten out of debt, and moved to Uganda to serve. They lived there for 2 years, not necessarily as missionaries, but as servants of Jesus, acting out the intentional love that He so freely gives us.

Just like that, that spark, that dream of going to Kenya, was lit. I wasn’t really sure how to bring up the topic with my husband. Surely, he wouldn’t want to leave the United States. So, I casually brought up this couple to my husband and said it seemed like such an incredible thing to do. It would take so much faith and courage to just up and go and trust God.

Silence. He didn’t really say much. There wasn’t any enthusiasm really other than “that seems cool.” Well, so much for that. I wasn’t really angry, just a bit disappointed. It wasn’t his fault that he didn’t feel the same urgency as I did. Maybe…one day. That was that. I didn’t bring it up again.

Fast forward two days…we were driving home again after work and he brought it up. Basically he said “I think you thought I was upset about the idea. I wasn’t, I just wanted to process it and really think it through.” Okayyyy. You have my attention. He went on the say that he had not stopped thinking about it. This small spark that had been lit for myself two days previously, was now igniting hearing that my husband felt this tug too!

One of the biggest things that we came to realize after talking was that deep down we’ve always been trying to prove that we could do more, be more, and make more. We wanted to have really nice things because neither of us really grew up “rich”. We wanted to show everyone that knew us, that we could be well off. After a long thought process, and trying to tell myself that these things weren’t true and that “I couldn’t really be that self-centered”, I came to the conclusion that they are, in fact, 110% true. Honestly, I’m sick of those thoughts. They control every decision, every purchase, every plan, that I’ve ever been apart of. That is not the way I want to live.

In the wise words of my husband, “maybe we aren’t called to be comfortable“. That is a terrifying sentence to someone who wants to prove that comfort is easy in her life. But he’s right. We’ve always felt this calling to serve, and I’ve always felt this calling to GO. Sometimes to do that, you have to get outside the comfort zone, and lay down all of the materialistic and self-centered thoughts.

We never understood the details. We still don’t. It’s a process, and so far we haven’t made too much progress other than ironing out what it may look like. Right now, it looks like it’ll probably happen a few years down the road, after we pay off our debt. But you never know! Our goal is to go to Kenya first, and live there and serve there. Intentionally living out the Gospel helping in whatever way is needed. Then, we’ll go wherever God is calling us, whether another place in Kenya, or a whole different country. We’ll stay as long as we are supposed to. We want to trust God fully with this. It may look like helping with trafficking prevention efforts, building houses, teaching, spending time with babies, anything that God calls us to.

We don’t know what this is going to look like, all we know is the tugging and pulling of something that is so much greater than either of us can truly fathom. It may be crazy and it may sound impossible, but it’s also so good, and He makes impossible things, possible.

Through the trial and the pain of the last month, He has turned us towards what could very well be, the greatest calling of our lives.